NOVEMBER MUSINGS

Is it that we don't know where we are going? It seems more about the fact that we don't know what steps to take to keep us moving forward.

My destination has never been clearly defined. I resist defining it for fear of ending up in an uncomfortable, unsatisfying box. But it has become clearer to me over the past few years that boxes can be opened fairly easily and change is not so hard to create when you need it.

So I'm stepping inside the box and accepting that I enjoy being a manager. I am ready to fully embrace the joys and hardships of the position and the joys and hardships of a life out of the spotlight. I have not considered myself an actor for years, but I am realizing that maybe I have been holding onto a little thread of hope (not the right word...fear of giving up?) that keeps me from fulling embracing my love of management and producing. I am hoping that by saying it out loud I can finally, completely, let go of the thread.

I don't think that anything is ever definite. Who knows where my life will take me in the next 10 years? I certainly have not ended up where I thought I would when I was 22. But I think the reason things proceeded so well through this first part of my life is that I was open and honest with myself, and that I trusted that things were happening as they should.

I have been feeling like I'm hiding from me for the past year or so. I don't know why...perhaps the upheaval at my office since the Tony contract was not renewed. (It really is like working for/with your family, so when my coworkers & bosses hurt I feel it too.) Perhaps it's the fact that I've not been practicing my meditation. Perhaps it's because I've not been spending enough time free from intoxicating substances. But most likely it's all of these things and more - and it is the fact that I have not wanted to face any of them.

November seems like a great month for refocusing and embracing and facing what my life is.