Feel Good

I dance when I'm alone.

I am happy when I'm dancing.

I'm a pretty terrible dancer.

But that doesn't matter because it makes me feel good.

How well you do something does not determine the joy it brings.

We can't all be best at everything we do.

But we can do what makes us feel good.

Self Improvements

I have not had coffee since Friday. That's three days. I'm feeling good about that.

I am trying to wake up earlier so that I can get at least a little exercise other than my walk across the park. I'm starting with some yoga and will progress to a more vigorous workout soon. It feels so nice to move the body.

I'm hoping to let these two changes become ingrained before I add another. I want to do the Rachel Ayers cleanse. It's a little scary, but I think it will be really good for me. My plan is to start it after my play opens. That is September 25th, so I expect to begin the cleanse Monday, September 29th.

12 Simple Changes, part two

7. Buy locally.
Start by determining your area's biggest crops and make them staples of your diet. Then check your local supermarket for any locally grown foods - if there are no labels, ask someone! Or (more fun!) do a little research and determine if there is a farmer's market in your area. If there is, do your fresh veggie and fruit shopping there. The benefits of buying locally are great. You will often spend less money as you are buying direct from the grower. The nutrient level and freshness is unbeatable - after all most of the crops were picked the day you bought them! The fuel needed to transport the food to you is much less than if you eat a tomato shipped from Brazil. And you are putting money back into your community.

8. Use recycled paper in your printer.
This should be applied at home and work if possible. There are amazing recycled papers out there nowadays, with almost no discernible difference from paper made of fresh-cut trees. Blech. Just thinking about what is done to a forest in order to make paper...paper! There is no reason not to switch to recycled. It can often be found for the same cost or a less. Ask your office manager to make the switch!

9. Use recycled or biodegradable trash bags.
Here's an obvious one. Seriously folks, they are holding your garbage. Why does our trash need to be held by shiny new plastic bags? Here's a reminder: plastic is made from oil. Oil occupies a portion of the earth underneath the surface. As we remove the oil we are literally draining the earth of something it created for a reason, a need. And I sincerely doubt that reason/need was for humans to make trash bags.

10. Walk.
If you don't need to drive, don't. You'll save gas (and therefore cash) and be doing something good for your health.

11. Think about the people you encounter.
Everyone you see throughout the day has the same basic needs as you do. Everyone. From the homeless guy on the train to the rich investment banker lady getting into a taxi to the illegal alien who buses your table. They are all human beings who need to eat, sleep and be loved. If we could think for a second of the people we encounter as people, not just as obstacles in the way of us and our grande skim latte, imagine the compassion we would begin to feel for them and for the world. And it doesn't cost a penny.

12. Spend at least 5 minutes a day alone in silence.
Whatever this means to you, do it. Whether it is prayer, yoga, meditation, or just sitting on the couch with the TV off, do it. If it means locking yourself in the bathroom, do it. We all need to check in with ourselves daily. And that can't be done while watching TV or feeding your children or checking your email. Find five minutes for yourself and just be quiet.

More

I am going through some kind of thing right now. One of those "question where I am in life and the choices I've made" kind of things. I'm wondering about this career path I've chosen. That I've now chosen twice.

I love the people I work with. I love the wealth of knowledge that exists in my office. I love the art we produce. I love the fact that our office takes an idea and then finds the financial support to make it happen. I even thoroughly enjoy the bits and pieces of my actual day to day job. I just can't imagine doing it for the rest of my life.

My friend Sue knew at like age 12 that she was going to be a producer. At age 12 I was a scrappy tomboy, playing basketball and excelling in math and science. I had never seen a play outside of the children's theatre shows that happened in our cafeteria. And when I became involved in theatre it was to be on stage.

I have never really put much into looking towards my future. I have always taken things as they come, trying to be flexible and to go where each day led me. That is why I have such a random selection of skills. There have been moments of definites however. I knew I was supposed to come back to this office in January. So instead of staying on the Off-Bway path, I dug in my heels and turned around. And I am glad I did. It was the right choice. Then.

But now is now. And though I cannot imagine not working where I am working and doing what I am doing, I can imagine doing a million other things.

I have always wanted to own a gift card shop and make my own cards.

I have always been fascinated by nutrition and how what you eat changes the way you feel.

I have always been interested in fine carpentry.

I have always been intrigued by religion and its effects on individuals and the world.

I have always wanted to write.

I also would like to have a family. And even with a boss who has three children, I just don't see how that will be practical in this career. It is almost like this career is your baby, your family.

I think I want more than this.

Agave

Iced green tea is good. Tastes clean and I don't have to add milk or sugar (just 1/2 tsp of agave syrup) so it doesn't make my throat all sticky.

Speaking of agave syrup, this stuff is amazing. It is as sweet as sugar and doesn't have any weird taste. You know how Sweet & Low and Equal and Splenda have a funny taste? Kind of like super-sweet chemicals? And stevia requires work and still tastes a little odd - like a sweet herb...which is what it is. Agave syrup is perfectly sweet - similar to simple syrup made with sugar, just a bit thicker - and tastes like sugar. I mean it tastes like nothing, in the same way that sugar does...I'm excited and mildly obsessed with this product. I'd say that, just like anything else that is not directly plucked from the earth or picked off a plant, this should be used in moderation.

Writing to Write

I'm writing this because I want to write something everyday. Except for that one day I've already missed. So this isn't interesting or profound or funny or sweet. It's just blah-blah-blah so I can meet my daily quota.

Oh - here's something mildly interesting. I decided today to stop drinking coffee. I'm going to try to switch over to iced green or black tea for the rest of the summer. My first batch is steeping in the fridge right now. Eventually I hope to reduce caffeine consumption by 100%. So let's see how this first step goes!

Breathe

Breathe
Right-action
Energy
Awareness
To live
Healing
Easy

Facebook

I wasn't sure about Facebook. I'm still a little bit resistant. However I have just been reconnected with two amazing friends, Shelly Work and Annie Gill. It is moments like this that make a social networking site valuable and exciting.

Go Facebook!

Nature

Morning sighs with cool breath,

Sun peeks out from the clouds,

Birds sing songs of a new day,

Flowers stretch their petals.

We are called to action daily by nature.

Nature wakes us up and puts us to sleep.

Nature feeds us.

And what do we do for nature?

Weather

The weather is incredible. I will walk across the park today in order to soak up more of the gorgeousness. Our world and earth are amazing - everything we need we are given by nature. Weather like today's is the perfect anti-depressant! I cannot imagine a chemical concoction making a person feel as good as sunshine, blue skies and a gentle breeze. I am blessed.

Full Life

I unintentionally took yesterday off from writing. A side effect of having a birthday celebration with beer on a work night...

But I'm back!! Yesterday involved a bit more Advil than I would have liked, but after my lovely birthday I will not complain about a headache.

There are days I am overwhelmed by the people in my life. How is it that I have so many amazing people surrounding me? And then I think back to how each one of them came into my world and I get overwhelmed by the incredible opportunities I have had in my life. How did this poor little girl find her way into so many amazing opportunities?

And then I think, "why would I question this?" I have had these opportunities and have these friends because of each individual choice I have made in my life. And because I was supported by a family who, no matter what, supported each individual choice. We were always encouraged to try new things and take risks. My family always believed that you can do anything if you put your mind to it. And though there are some things that you might not be the best at, it doesn't mean you shouldn't do them. It's so much easier to see that support ten years after the fact...

Support and encouragement from family, believing in the self, going after what you want, not being afraid of the outcome. Basic rules for a full life.

Bday

Today is my birthday.

I will eat cupcakes with my office and go to my first shiva...not usually a birthday event, but death waits for no one's birthday.

Then I will have beers with some friends.

It should be an eye-opening day, full of hugs and tears and people I love.

blah

I'm a little unfocused today and think I'll wait another day for part 2 of 12 Simple Changes.

I was very sad yesterday. I cried and yelled and stuck my face in my pillow. I'm not 100% sure why. Just one of those days I guess. The fact that my boss' father died over the weekend definitely did not help matters. It is very hard to know that someone you care about it is in pain and that there is nothing you can offer that they need.

That's all I've got today.

12 Simple Changes, part one

1. Buy Organic Milk

Such an easy change - such a HUGE impact. If everbody started buying organic milk, think of the impact. There's also a huge bonus for yourself - no more animal antibiotics or growth hormones in your morning cereal. All this for a few extra dollars a month.

2. STOP buying bottled water

Get an aluminum water bottle and refill it with your tap water. If you don't like your tap water, get a filter. And remember America's tap water is monitored more closely than any bottled water you can buy. How many bottles of water do you buy in a week? Where do the bottles end up? I'm sure not all of them end up in the recycle pile...

3. Speaking of recycling, RECYCLE!!!

This seems so obvious I almost didn't put it on the list. We should all be recycling - there is no excuse not to. Pretty much everything you throw away can be recycled. Think about what you're putting in the trash before you actually put it in the trash. If it can be recycled, please recycle it!

4. Buy recycled paper products

What is your reason for not buying recycled paper towels or recycled toilet paper? The cost is often lower than a roll of Bounty. And the environmental cost of NOT buying them is enormous. The amount of beautiful, oxygen producing trees that are cut down in order to make products to dry our hands or wipe our asses...we can do better. We, as the most highly advanced species on the planet, know better and have created better ways. Don't wipe your ass with the tree your
great-grandfather used to climb.

5. Replace your light bulbs with CFLs.

Easy, cheap, actually saves you money by reducing your electric bill. There is absolutely no reason not to implement this change.

6. Make one day a week a meatless day

I like meat. I was raised on meat. Chicken tastes good, beef tastes good, and bacon is delicious. However, outside of the fact that eating meat involves killing another living being, raising a bunch of animals for the purpose of food is incredibly hard on the environment. So make one day meatless. It's good for your body to get a break from digesting those complex proteins anyway.

More tomorrow...

Change

A change is coming. I can feel it. I'm not sure if it's the earth's change or this country's change or a change at work or a personal change, but a change is coming.

The solidness that usually seems to exist under me is cracking and shaking. It's not a bad thing, but it's definitely not what it always seemed. Change is hitting that solidness at core. Something's going to happen. I guess something always does. But something is going to happen soon that makes an impact in my life. I know it. I don't know what it is, but I know it.

I think my task is to let go and let the change come. It's no use holding on to what is. Change is stronger than what is. I must let it take me or my work or this country or the earth where it needs to take us. Then that is where we'll be. And that will be good.

Change is good. Change is life.

Late

I woke up late this morning and missed the zendo. Stinks. It was a bit of a sleepy choice - my alarm woke me up but instead of getting up I turned off the alarm and kept my eyes closed. I slept for the next hour in that hardly asleep place, where your mind is thinking and you're aware that your mind is thinking, but you just can't seem to open your eyes. I fully woke up at the exact time that I would need to leave in order to make it to Brooklyn before the start of service.

So instead I changed the ash in my incense bowl and had a nice sit at home. Definitely not the same as Sunday morning at the Zendo, but a valuable substitute.

I am now going to attempt to do the Tai Chi DVD I purchased. I tried yesterday and the attempt was comical. So let's see what today brings...

Morning

Opening my eyes,

the room is dark and silent,

the air is cooling.

Dreams slip out of mind,

What "has to get done" slips in,

Can I bear the weight?

Opening the door,

the world is bright and noisy,

the sun is warming.

The flowers still grow,

the birds sing their morning songs.

It's not that heavy.

Broadway

I saw [title of show] at the Lyceum last night. I thoroughly enjoyed it in its Off-Broadway run at the Vineyard Theatre, and was was nervous that I would not like this uptown version as much. I was pleasantly surprised. It was no life changing piece of theatre, but it's not trying to be. It was funny and sweet and all the things it was downtown. I was more affected when I saw it at The Vineyard, but that might have just been because it was my first viewing.

It did bring back the pain of PASSING STRANGE. I have not completely released that sadness. I think I'm holding onto it intentionally, and I need to let it go. I have been honored to have worked on a shit-ton of shows at this point, but I don't think any of them has had such a profound effect on me as this one. I loved it. I attached to it. I thought it could change lives. And I think it did. But it has closed. It's time to let it go. Boo.

Too much?

Some days it seems like there's just not enough time to do all that I plan to do. It's likely that I'm overfilling those days...

I've always had a tendency to want to do too much. My 10th grade history teacher told me to be careful not to spread myself too thin. Other people have said the same thing - be an expert at one thing, not good at a lot of things. But I really feel like it's a good thing to have many skills. It seems like it makes me better able to survive under any circumstances. I do see how having so many different interests makes it easier to give up on one. It wasn't too heart breaking to give up acting for instance, when I was easily able to transition into carpentry and stage managing. If I did not have those strengths, perhaps I would have stuck with acting.

Here's the thing: why second guess that stuff? I did what I did. I am the person I am in the place that I am because of that stuff. And I am very happy with the person I am and the place I am in. I have a fun, interesting job in a fun, interesting workplace, I have a wonderful husband who loves me with all of his heart, I have amazing friends, I have the freedom to explore my interests, and I can build you a bookshelf or weld a broken railing. I can bake you a fruit and custard tart or grow you some organic basil. And I can still cold read the shit out of a scene.

I lead a blessed life. I am happy.

Bookstore

Yesterday I had a bit of time to kill and so I went into a Barnes & Noble bookstore. I haven't been in a bookstore in ages - not to look at books at least. I've bought birthday cards and journals from a bookstore recently, but any books I've purchased in the past year or two have been ordered online.


I do very much enjoy spending time in bookstores. It is comforting being surrounded by so much knowledge and entertainment all mixed up together. I spent a good long time at the Eastern Religion section, looking for a new book on Taoism. I thought maybe it's time to take my study of the Way past The Tao of Pooh - which, interestingly enough, you can't find in the Eastern Religion section; it's classified only as Humor.

All religions are tied up in each other. So many people work so hard to divide and separate religion from religion. What a fruitless labor. Interdependence reaches to religion as well; why must people fight so hard just to try to remain separate? Just to try to remain distinct from the person in the temple across the street?

Instead of fighting why not just pray/sit? Or put your feet in the grass? Or a hug a child? It would do much more good for the world.

Grief

How lucky I am to have so many wonderful people in my life. Many people are not so fortunate. I do not do the best job of letting all of the wonderful people in my life know how wonderful I think they are. That is something I should improve.

I was sad to hear yesterday that a friend of mine recently lost her grandmother. Death is unavoidable, but just knowing that does not make it much easier to lose someone you love. In Buddhism, as I'm sure with most religions, part of your practice includes learning to understand and accept death as the natural end to life. No one tries to pretend that the death of a loved one will ever make a person feel good, but to learn to accept it as what must be, to learn to accept the impermanent state of all things, can make the fear and therefore the pain a bit less. I don't believe a person will ever not grieve - accepting where you are and what you're feeling at each moment includes accepting sadness. I think grieving equates to the "recognizing you have a thought" moments in zazen. And after you recognize you have a thought the next step is to let it go. Grieve, and then let go.

Easy to say, hard to do.

Sunday

This was a lovely weekend. The weather was lovely, complete with a thunderstorm on Saturday and an ocean blue sky on Sunday.

Sunday morning was spent at the zendo in Brooklyn. It's always so fulfilling to attend the Sunday service. Each time I go I realize that I want to go more often. Something about a room full of people being quiet together is incredibly satisfying. And the sounds in the room during the liturgy, the chanting...it is incredible. It fills me up from the center of my being.


After the zendo I went over to Ryan and Alexandra's apartment. Geoff met us there and we ate a delicious Alexandra-prepared vegetarian lunch. We walked a bit in their beautiful Brooklyn neighborhood and stopped at an adorable little restaurant called Sweet Melissa's for some wonderful made-right-there ice cream. Butterscotch-vanilla ice cream...heaven. This place has a beautiful backyard dining area with flowering trees and umbrellas over the tables; it reminded me of our trip to Ojai, CA last summer. The warm sunny day certainly helped that association.


Following our ice cream feast, a few stops were made to purchase a blender, a couple of peaches, and some vodka. We headed back to Ryan and Alexandra's pad to make some fruity frozen vodka drinks and hang out on the roof. Perfection. It really was a perfect summer Sunday. The only thing missing was a midday nap.